Were George Washington's choppers made of wood? Forensic historians think not; they claim the actual substance was hippopotamus ivory or repurposed human teeth. With such a gruesome grin, it makes sense that he doesn't smile in his official portraits. If George were smiling on your one dollar note, would you be more inclined to spend the bill or save it?

Save it.

Why?

Because it looks cool.

Why does it look cool?

Because it makes him look like a zombie.

What's a zombie?

Somebody who comes back to life when they are dead.

To do what?

Make other people zombies.

Where does it end?

Zombies taking over.

Controlling people? Leading people?

Yes.

Are zombies dictators?

No.

Presidents?

No.

If George Washington was akin to a zombie, doesn't that make him a dictator?

No. He was a president.

What's the difference between a president and a dictator?

A dictator is someone who ...

How does a dictator come to power?

By people not voting for him. Through people in his family, I think.

So, if your father was a ruler, then you could become a dictator?

Yes.

You are saying that if-

-Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no no. A dictator is someone who just barges in and takes over the whole place and says, "I'm your boss, listen to me." OK?

And if they don't listen to him, what happens?

He kills them or puts them in prison.

Who is a president?

A person who gets voted for.

What is voting?

A bunch of people want you to be something. Like a president.

A leader.

Yeah.

Once you become president, what are you obliged to do? What do you have to do for the people who elected you?

You have to do good deeds.

What's an example of a good deed?

Telling the army what to do, when to fire their guns and stuff.

What other good deeds would a president do?

Meet famous guys.

Shake their hands?

Yes.

What famous people did George Washington schmooze with?

A lot of famous people.

Give me an example.

The Flaming Lips!

The Flaming Lips are famous now. George Washington was alive, what, 230 years ago?

I'm just giving you an example.

Of a famous person or a famous group.

Yes.

But give me an example of someone who George Washington met when he was alive.

Benjamin Franklin.

Where did they meet?

In the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA!

In which room?

His room!

Benjamin Franklin's room?

Yes.

What were they wearing?

What is that thing called in Greek mythology? That thing that Hercules wore? Benjamin Franklin was wearing that. And George Washington was wearing groovy girls clothes.

Seriously, though, if Benjamin Franklin shook George Washington's hand, where did he do it?

In Benjamin Franklin's room.

Which room? His bedroom? His kitchen? His tool shed?

The bathroom. (snorting, laughter).

Was there a painter there to document this historic occasion?

No.

How do you know it happened?

Because I know! I'm just going to say I know. That's all I'm going to say.

What facts can you tell me about George Washington's life?

He was born in 1732.

Where? In England?

No, in the United States of America. The state was Virginia.

His father died when he was 11. Who did he live with after that?

His half-brother.

Larry.

Yeah.

What happened to Larry?

He died of some disease.

He died of tuberculosis. George went to Barbados with him to fix his problem. But he never got fixed. At that point, George inherited Larry's farm. What was the name of that farm?

Mount Vernon.

Then George defeated the British and became president, and after all that, he returned to Mount Vernon. What did he spend the remainder of his life doing?

Planting crops.

Like what?

Corn. Lettuce. Taking away weeds. Maybe planting a little bit of carrots and stuff.

Was he a hunter?

Maybe he hunted a little.

Did he have guns?

I don't know if he had a lot of guns but maybe he had some.

He was the commander in chief of the Continental Army so he probably had a few. How did George Washington die?

He got this quinsy.

What's quinsy?

It's a swelling in your neck.

Behind your tonsils, right?

Yes.

How did that kill him?

It just pushes away all the stuff in your neck. Like a balloon. Wraps around all the stuff in your neck. And just, like, pushes it all and suffocates you.

What do you think his last words might have been? What would you have said if you were George Washington and you were dying of this balloon in your throat and your wife was sitting there by your side, holding your hand and looking into your eyes?

Bye bye.

What George really said: "I die hard, but I am not afraid to go ... let me go quietly. I cannot last long. It is well." That's how you do it, folks.